i think what i've just come to realize
is the difference in mindset between living near-permanently among peers vs living at home with family
home was a place of comfort in which i could say think explore anything any idea and it was separate from school entirely so the creative pursuits of home were less affected by the school mindset
you can probably already see how college is different
at college, i live where i work and the only 'walls of comfort,' like those literal walls of my house, have been reduced to the size of my brain; perhaps it's living with another person in a 12'x12' room, but it feels like all the brain-thoughts i had in high school were freer because they were offered an environment in which they could expand and grow; here, the only place to spill my brain-thoughts is the computer or on paper--it's a direct line from my brain to the page, so it's all business and man does it suck in comparison. it's affecting this blog post and everything i do, and the only way to escape it, the only way i can think of, is to try to accept williamsburg as my 'home' but man is it hard.
i look forward to the day that i'm able to create a home of my own but i'm also very cautious in saying so; how will i get there? and once i'm there, who will i be with? how will i look back on now? will i ever get back to the same sense of home?
heavy shit man, wonder if i'm alone in this sensation
DEAR BLOGGER,
it's been real. i'm moving:
HERE (wardenclyfe.tumblr.com)
if you're still interested in 'following' (in the blogger sense) what i'm doing, you will find a conveniently located link to my rss feed on the right. bookmarking the page works too, although it's admittedly old-fashioned.
i want to live in the red/pink states
all the same programming as the right-blue, only two hours earlier, PLUS they only delay most eastern-time-zone-specific shows (ex. tonight show @ 11:30) on the west coast, so the tonight show at 11:30 becomes the somewhat-earlier-tonight show at 9:30!
would you like to know under what circumstance i would feel dumb? if i were wrong about everything i just said
to the makers of this map: you could only choose three colors? no, hey, it's cool. left-blue and right-blue totally make sense. we're fine; you're fine. i'm sorry.
i break my OWN rules
i have this inner guide that is uncomfortable with a lot of situations. it tells me, hey ryan, you shouldn't do [event] or go to [place], you'll feel uncomfortable and you won't have fun. now, let's discuss both sides of a hypothetical situation: if i listen to this voice, i'm going to be comfortable and i'm going to do the things i know like to do; however, if i don't listen to this voice, i'm going to feel uncomfortable, but there's no guarantee that i'm going to feel that way the whole time. there's a good chance that the initial jitters will wear off quickly and i'll end up enjoying myself. i'll also be able to say that i overcame my tendency to turn my back on the unknown, and i'll be one step closer to becoming a great pirate. this inner guide is actually a good source of things to do; it's like a reverse bucket list. if i do all the things i don't want to do, turning around and tackling those that i look forward to won't seem so daunting. huzzAH
my bladder is s[p]oiled
i spoil my bladder. at the first sign of needing to empty itself, i do my best to comply; but now i realize that if i wait it out, that initial feeling often subsides. i think by trusting my instinct to go to the bathroom, i have slowly placed more and more urgency on that first uh-oh feeling, which makes me want to get rid of it as fast as possible. maybe i never learned how to tell when my bladder is being truthful, but i think it's going to be an important skill to have. i feel like i'm discovering a part of life that everyone has experienced but never talks about.
on a related note: when i was little i vividly remember telling someone that they were mispronouncing aretha franklin's name; i told him that it isn't "aretha," it's "urethra". i spelled it out and everything. i was convinced that i was right, until i found out what a urethra is, and how very far it is from a black female soul-singer.
on a somewhat related note to the last note: i hate when i find out that i've been pronouncing a name or word incorrectly for my whole life. it's not that i feel embarrassed, i just hate having to practice saying it correctly. it's almost like i need to relearn the word.
when i was little i always used to think it was mind-bottling that we can see colors and hear noises in our heads. i remember how i always used to think of a red firetruck (typical) and i would just sit and look at it, without actually looking at it. i thought it was incredible that we can look at our physical surroundings and see something completely different, whatever we want to see, in our heads, or imagination, or wherever it is. how can this image just be floating there? where is it? not only can i see this bright red truck somewhere in my brain, but i can also hear it, and that never made sense to me. it's the same with songs; you can play a song in your head if you know it well enough. have you ever thought you heard someone calling your name? it seems too real to justify condescension towards schizophrenics
too many people subconsciously believe that a public rephrasing of the national consensus on a topic will be viewed as new, relevant, or important information, and expect that it's worthy of recognition and praise. the sad thing is that, because there are so many people like them, they do get that attention and it encourages either elaboration or self-declared new material. i wish more people were honest with themselves
there are moments in my college search when i no longer feel overwhelmed, and i realize that i'm going to go to a relatively good school, and that i'm going to be happy at that school
this is my one-hundredth post and today i realized that my blog is over a year old
