i think what i've just come to realize
is the difference in mindset between living near-permanently among peers vs living at home with family
home was a place of comfort in which i could say think explore anything any idea and it was separate from school entirely so the creative pursuits of home were less affected by the school mindset
you can probably already see how college is different
at college, i live where i work and the only 'walls of comfort,' like those literal walls of my house, have been reduced to the size of my brain; perhaps it's living with another person in a 12'x12' room, but it feels like all the brain-thoughts i had in high school were freer because they were offered an environment in which they could expand and grow; here, the only place to spill my brain-thoughts is the computer or on paper--it's a direct line from my brain to the page, so it's all business and man does it suck in comparison. it's affecting this blog post and everything i do, and the only way to escape it, the only way i can think of, is to try to accept williamsburg as my 'home' but man is it hard.
i look forward to the day that i'm able to create a home of my own but i'm also very cautious in saying so; how will i get there? and once i'm there, who will i be with? how will i look back on now? will i ever get back to the same sense of home?
heavy shit man, wonder if i'm alone in this sensation

i break my OWN rules

i have this inner guide that is uncomfortable with a lot of situations. it tells me, hey ryan, you shouldn't do [event] or go to [place], you'll feel uncomfortable and you won't have fun. now, let's discuss both sides of a hypothetical situation: if i listen to this voice, i'm going to be comfortable and i'm going to do the things i know like to do; however, if i don't listen to this voice, i'm going to feel uncomfortable, but there's no guarantee that i'm going to feel that way the whole time. there's a good chance that the initial jitters will wear off quickly and i'll end up enjoying myself. i'll also be able to say that i overcame my tendency to turn my back on the unknown, and i'll be one step closer to becoming a great pirate. this inner guide is actually a good source of things to do; it's like a reverse bucket list. if i do all the things i don't want to do, turning around and tackling those that i look forward to won't seem so daunting. huzzAH

a few things

hermit crabs are the least hermetic crabs i have ever met. there is nary a crab that will crawl around for you in a painted shell, trying to impress the highest bidder. that's not how i would conduct my business if i were a hermit. get your priorities straights, you friendly artistic crabs.

also, if i knew a eunuch i would take him to a testicle festival.

i miss cycloning my bathtub

i want my own font made out of my handwriting. you might think why not just write? that's dumb. you're dumb.

i've noticed a couple things about people:
-some are naturally creepy
-some look funny
-i feel bad for fat people [i can't help that i lose weight even when i try not to (which makes me feel bad for anorexic people)]
-underestimation of the burning powers of steam

i went to bed relatively early last night.
when i consider two am early, it affirms my suspicions of a sleeping problem.

hitler had a pretty emo haircut

when you think about it, grapes have to be the easiest fruit to harvest. all you have to do is pull the top of the bundle. there's no challenge in that.

gobbledigook

existence is a memory. the only thing you can vouch for is that you were here, you had a past, you existed. once you say "i am" you're already in the past. what does it even mean to have a past? old photos? forgotten emotions? letters? memories. that's all we have.


by the way, gobbledigook is sigur rós' worst song to date. for some reason they chose it as their single.

erm

do the chinese have fonts?

the past is a happy place.

all i want is for clotheslines to be mainstream again. our kids would love it, until they became teenagers. "dad, why don't we just permadry our clothes like everyone else? we don't need to hand-wash and hang-dry them every time. carlos said his parents permacleaned all his clothes. i think we should do that too, it'd be a lot easier". he doesn't understand. what does he know?

our second baby is a watermelon.